“Tears stream down your face \ I promise you I will learn from my mistakes…”

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I’ve written in the past about how much the Coldplay song, “Fix you,” means so much to me. I was going through a rough patch last month and I put it on repeat. I’ve realized that me losing myself in that music is not just about listening to it, but also playing it on my piano, or dancing to it.

I watch this video over and over again, especially the intro of why it was choreographed, to remind me of how something so beautiful can come out of a place of hurt.

Since that dance snippet is pretty short (less than 2 minutes), I was looking around for a longer solo choreography. This one just blew me away:

Maybe one day, I’ll be able to dance like that! :P

Back to dancing with a vengeance

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I didn’t dance much in the past few months. I was using up a yoga voucher I’d bought the year ago, so I’d only do ballet each week.

But in the spirit of getting back into exercise and getting back into the things I love, I went back to it with a vengeance this month. In addition to ballet, I’ve been doing lyrical and jazz/funk/hiphop. My body’s not used to it anymore — I used to do 4.5 hours of dance straight, but I don’t think I can do that yet.

But you know what? When I’m dancing, I have the absolute biggest, goofiest, smile on my face. It brings me so much joy, to be able to express myself this way. And while I am so far from doing the kind of dancing I aspire to, and I can tell I’m not as good as I was before I went on a semi-hiatus, a li’l part of me is thinking, hey, I’m not totally useless at this! Haha.

Of longstanding thorns in your sides

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Giving advice to a friend about his situation this week made me realize how immature I’d acted in the past. (Funny, but it’s true what they say — friends are the mirror by which we see ourselves.) I thought I’d put those episodes behind me, and accepted that they were over, but I realized this: it is never too late to apologize to the people you care about.

So I wrote letters, letters to people I’d never speak to again. I apologized for the things I did and was totally, completely honest. I’d apologized to one of them in the past, but it had been a shallow kind of apology — one where I’d just said I was sorry for hurting him, but still glossed over the fact that I acknowledged what I did.

But not this time. Another lesson I learned this week: that when apologizing, you have to come clean about what you did, even if it means exposing the worst of who you are. Being on both on the giving and receiving end of that kind of situation, I can wholeheartedly recommend to be honest and admit to your faults. It benefits both sides.

When I wrote those letters, I wasn’t expecting anything in reply. I wasn’t expecting anything back, really.

This exchange with one of my favorite guy friends made me feel warm and fuzzy inside:

M: HEY
M: IM SO PROUD OF YOU
M: Hindi ako shrink di ako expert sa ganyan, pero I think napakagandang closure yan for you kasi di din natin alam baka dun din naipon yung mga nararamdaman mo
M: And that masaya ako nabunutan ka ng tinik
M: Na matagal na palang nakabaon, di lang natin alam
M: Diba?

It was a cathartic experience. And my friend was right. I think I’d been carrying that baggage for the longest time. I do feel relieved now, and I’m happy I did what I did. It’s funny though — one week ago and I was going about my merry way, then last week all these emotions and internal conflicts surfaced. And I felt like a learned a lot, emotionally, from the past few days. But can I have an emotionally soothing next week, please? Thanks, universe.

Getting back into the (exercise) groove

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I’ve always been into sports. I played on a lot of teams when I was younger, and I’m not even going to bother enumerating them here. Thing is, other than when I was serious about track and field in high school, I was never a gym person. Exercise, for me, wasn’t only about being able to do more reps or lift more or getting more mileage on the treadmill. It was about running in the outdoors, swimming to calm my mind, and playing sports with my friends.

It was normal for me to be active, and moving to Australia didn’t change anything — it just shifted my activities slightly. Bushwalking. Kayaking. Stand up paddling. Getting back into dancing, trying a new form of yoga. Things like that.

Then somehow, things changed a few months ago. I didn’t spend as much time dancing. I only went to yoga sporadically. I was exhausted when I got home at night after work, so I didn’t bother doing weights. I still tried to walk at least 10,000 steps a day, but I hovered around the 7,000 mark, and it wasn’t “active” walking. I lost a little bit of weight… which I know is probably due to of loss of muscle, unfortunately.

I was telling a friend of mine over dinner last week that I was feeling tired — a lot more tired than usual. I knew I was doing something wrong, and attributed it to not getting enough sleep and wasting too much online, when she suggested getting back into exercise.

Sound advice. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I’m actually out of town for work in a few days and it’ll be hard to squeeze it in… but I did weights again today, with the thought that even though I may not be able to sustain it over the next two weeks, every little bit helps. My arms are a little sore, but it’s all good. Here’s to getting the strong me back!

The Basics – With This Ship

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I was obsessed with this song a couple of years ago… Heard it again after not listening to it in years. Trippy video, too.

“I fly this flag forever but you don’t wanna see it
The way it was is how it is for you and you can’t leave it
We’re only treading water, but slowly sinking deeper
And I don’t wanna go down with this ship…”

I think it’s about a relationship that’s on the rocks, but one person can’t accept it.